when you’ve achieved success but sense something isn’t right
Have you achieved your goals, only to feel exhausted, unfulfilled, and confused?
if you’re feeling this way, here are a few key steps that helped me, and might help you too.
At the age of 38, I found myself in a place many would see as successful—a thriving orthodontic practice, a new home, and a beautiful family. However, deep down my heart whispered that I needed to find the courage to change my life. I needed to slow down, peel back the layers, let go of what wasn’t serving me, and reconnect with what lit me up.
I want to pause here and acknowledge something important: I grew up with privilege and opportunity. I recognize that the resources I have had are not universal. However, as we all know, the desire for depth, authenticity, and calm are universal human needs.
My story goes like this…
The boxes were all ticked— career, house, and family. From a young age, I enjoyed the challenge of academics and achievement. Throughout grade school, I achieved straight A’s. In college, I loved settling into a cozy corner in the library—earplugs, coffee in hand, and studying for hours. Despite it not being in my life plan, I attended Harvard for dental school, a privilege for which I am deeply grateful. It was one of the best times of my life and I am forever grateful. Graduation came and went, and I simply continued to follow the plan I saw modeled by others. I bought a practice and began my traditional orthodontic career. But, I soon found I felt miserable.
I was exhausted. Between rushing from my job to home to kids, wearing multiple hats at work, and neglecting personal care my energy was depleted. My workplace was amazing but misaligned. A few tweaks could have made it work but at that point, I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I thrive in community with other professionals, need variability in my schedule, and work best in quiet, private spaces. The qualities of my workplace may have worked well for another doctor, but they didn’t for me. Lastly, my creative juices were no longer flowing. I allowed my career to take over, dominating my time, thoughts, and life. Creativity and art fill up my cup, and when they are missing my energy slowly drains away. All of this led to anxiety. I was stressing out more than usual about things that weren’t a big deal. My husband, who is a wonderful, supportive man, thought that I would feel this way no matter what I did for work. He thought I was, perhaps, just an anxious person. But, I knew, deep down, that this was not true. I was anxious because I was not listening to myself and my body. It felt like I was on a train. I kept trying to swing my legs onboard and take a seat, enjoying the ride. But, I kept dangling off, flailing in the wind!
Can you relate to this feeling of restlessness and overwhelm? Your flavor may be different—depression, anxiety, worsening health, autoimmune issues, anger, or a general sense of apathy. Or, perhaps you can’t sit still, always on the go. The voice asking for change may be deep inside you, suppressed and afraid to speak out loud. Your spouse and best friend may not even know. It can be hard to admit. If you’re anything like me, your feelings may be laced with shame. Shame that you aren’t appreciative and that you’ll let people down. Confusion— Will I ever feel content? Am I being silly to want change? Fear—if I acknowledge this, what does that mean? Do I have to change my job? Will I lose all that I’ve worked for?
The first step: allow your feelings
We live in an increasingly fast-paced world, full of dings from our phones, apps stealing our attention, material wants and needs, and obligations for our time. It’s no wonder we’re exhausted! Reflecting on my experience, a key first step was to allow and accept my feelings. For many years I denied them, pushing them down deeper. I would look at colleagues and imagine that they felt great—content, joyful, driven, and balanced. However, when I sold my orthodontic practice, many friends and professional colleagues privately messaged me to express their overwhelm and desire for change.
Whether you choose to make significant changes in your life or not, you may find it helpful to recognize your feelings. It may be as simple as journaling, talking openly to a friend, therapist, or coach, or sitting in quiet reflection and listening to your heart. I find that my intuition speaks loudly when I offer it space—when I am quiet, relaxed, and speak to my body, saying things like, “Hi. I am listening.”
The Second Step: make space
When we’re rushing, our nervous system steps in with a cocktail of hormones to kick us into gear. Our bodies know what to do—blood flow shunts from the prefrontal cortex, reducing higher-level thinking, and into our extremities. At the moment, you might feel a rush of energy, but long-term this is draining you. It’s that feeling at the end of your workday. You’ve had energy all day long and as you shift into your home, sitting down with your kids, you feel like a hollow shell.
I believe an essential first step is to make some space in your life. Space to simply be. To slow down, reconnect, and find more presence.
Questions you may ask yourself. In your work and personal life:
What do you love doing?
What fills up your energy cup?
What do you dislike doing?
What drains your energy?
What do you say is essential, but is actually optional?
If you had a magic wand, what would you change?
If you knew what you had to change, what would it be?
Rather than reacting to obligations and to-do lists, would it feel good to view your time through the lens of honoring your energy? Perhaps there are small tweaks—doing a grocery pickup instead of in-store shopping or engaging in more of what fills you up. Can you make a small shift this week in that direction?
The third step: find A Simple grounding Practice
As you create space, it can be a huge help to do one simple grounding practice each day— something you love that calms your nervous system. If you are anything like me, it may be challenging at first to figure out what to do. Between focusing on work and kids, I was all go, no rest. As I explored, I began to find what worked best for me.
Here are some grounding practices that have worked for me. Perhaps one will resonate with you.
Visual deprivation with a focus on sound:
Lay in a bed, eyes closed or with an eye mask, and headphones (over-ear are ideal for deeper submersion), listen to ambient or classical music, and let yourself become immersed in the notes.
Suggested playlist:
Meditation:
Explore various forms to see what works for you.
Options: silent, observing a flickering candle, or guided
Moving meditation:
Combine meditation with allowing your body to move as it desires.
Go to a private space where you will not feel self-conscious. Put on music, close your eyes, and move your body as the loudest sensation in your body. This may be a thought, feeling, or physical sensation.
Play:
Set up games in your living room and play a game every night with your family before bed.
Paint:
Create a regular, pre-set painting space.
Ingredients: A small easel, paint (watercolor or acrylic), paintbrushes, water
Allow yourself freedom of expression. Can you paint to express what you are feeling? Can you explore being present with the colors and textures without attaching to the outcome?
Write:
Morning pages is a practice suggested in The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Write up to 3 pages per day, allowing the stream of consciousness without worrying about grammar or punctuation. When I get stuck, I often write, “I don’t know what to write about.” Miraculously, this opens me up and it starts to flow. I receive downloads of new ideas through this daily exercise.
Or, engage in creative writing, allowing your imagination to take flight.
Take a warm bath:
Candles lit, bath salts, and all the delicious smells.
Garden:
Dig in the dirt, be in nature, and get creative.
Arrange flowers:
Grow or buy flowers and take time arranging them, seeing if you can allow yourself to play with colors, shapes, and textures.
Nature walks:
Taking a slow walk in nature, without your phone.
Co-regulation:
Spending time with someone calm and grounded; your nervous system will start to match theirs. This could be a friend, family member, therapist, coach, or even pet.
Engage your senses:
Eat a tangerine or drink some tea with intention and reflection—close your eyes and connect with its scent, taste, texture, and temperature.
I remember trying to meditate a couple of years ago and all I felt was a massive urge to wiggle. Depending on your level of nervous system activation, you may feel the same. I have found it helpful to do bridging exercises at first. For example, moving meditation, painting, playing, or gardening, may feel more desirable at first. As you gain greater restoration, meditating in stillness may become accessible.
Next steps
In future articles, I will outline the additional steps I took to rebuild my life into one I love. My experience has been that from a place of grounding and spaciousness, I can connect more easily to creativity. As I made space, ideas began to flow. From this place of calm, I felt open to trying new things and approaching life with a greater sense of curiosity and wonder. While I know the steps I took may not help everyone, my hope is this article finds one person who needs to hear this and that they can take a step closer to relighting their inner light. I believe it’s always there, just waiting for us to step out of the shadows and shine.
I am an orthodontist and coach, not a physician or therapist. My coaching weaves together mindset and embodiment work, along with personal experience as a high achiever, and orthodontist.
