My first panic attack: The incredible pressure I put on myself as a high-achieving Harvard dental student

It was a sunny, spring day in Boston, during my second year of dental school. At Harvard, dental and medical students took combined courses, so my mornings were spent taking medical school classes and afternoons were in supplemental dental-specific lectures.

Sitting in the large lecture hall, intently listening to a medical lecture, my heart started to pound furiously. My chest felt tight, and I could not catch my breath. Quite frankly, I had no idea what was happening to me.

I shakily made my way out of the lecture, praying not to call attention to myself, and rushed to the school nurse. As I sat there, my legs moving uncontrollably, they explained to me that I was having a panic attack.

The two weeks that followed were a living hell.

I could not sleep, was constantly anxious, lost weight, and lived in fear of having another panic attack. I remember sitting in our small anatomy group of 8, clutching a bottle of benzodiazepines under the table, just in case I needed to run out and take one.

The worst part was that I felt so alone…Was I going crazy? How would I go on and be a professional if I was an anxious mess?

The school nurse offered little guidance. They prescribed Benzos, told me I had anxiety, and sent me on my way. Looking back, I have a pretty clear picture of what happened. At Harvard, we were pass/ fail, which was incredible most of the time. But, with that came the unspoken expectation that you would score in the top 5% on your national board dental exams. Combine that expectation with a high-achieving, perfectionist who has imposter syndrome and you can see where this is going. :)

I had allowed myself no grace, no wiggle room…

If I did not achieve the top 5% on my NBDE, I would not get into residency, I would fail myself and I would fail Harvard, which in my mind I was not cut out for anyways, despite my success!

In recent years I’ve spent much time reflecting on anxiety…On how I can support myself, both physically and mentally, and on what negative thought patterns have contributed to my life. A few life lessons stand out…

First, you can be a successful medical professional AND have anxiety/ depression/ OCD/ etc etc etc. You are not broken! You are a human being. And, you are not alone, despite the perfect picture image that social media portrays.

Second, it is time to start really listening to what you are telling yourself. What is the negative voice in your head saying? Is it really a fact?

Third, we are so much more than our professional accolades. I am more than an orthodontist and you are, too. Let your soul shine and reclaim the true you!